My letter to the adoptive or foster mother on Mother's Day...

To the adoptive or foster mother on Mother’s Day,
Loving a child that was born to another mom daily challenges us to hold differing emotions. I’m convinced no other experience lets a person feel what “bittersweet” really means. We feel the joys of each sweet smile and laugh, yet know the hurt that also comes with the brokenness of adoption. Mother’s Day is no different. However, just because something comes from brokenness doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth noting the powerful way that you have the privilege of being in relationship with your child. Caring for boo boos, sitting outside the room of a crying teenager, watching them open the door for an elderly woman at the store, making their sister laugh, and just those genuine moments that no one other than a “real” mom can have the privilege of enjoying. You are a real mom. So is their biological mom. Mother’s day is for all.
I have some ideas about how to make mother’s day special (or at the very least lessen the stress) as an adoptive or foster mom.

1. Set an intention to wake up thinking of one way you are grateful to be the parent each of your children. Even for the hard ones…
2. Just accept that this day is going to stir up big emotions and behaviors for your kiddos. Don’t look for it, but manage your expectations around what is realistic for your child. There unfortunately isn’t a magic button to make our kids mature enough to handle holding the love they have for you and their big feelings about this day. I am still waiting on that “miracle grow” for the teenage brain too.
   
3. Do something for yourself. Have your husband or a sitter allow you to take an hour or even 20 minutes to eat a special treat you don’t have to share, take a bubble bath, or read that book you are too tired to read at the end of the day.
   
4. Find a way to honor their birth mom in some way prior to Mother’s Day. Make thinking about them mentionable and support their feelings about however they would like to acknowledge the hard stuff of this day. Don’t force it, but don’t gloss over it. Drawing a picture, phone calls, letters etc. are all good ways if the situation is safe. Even if there is no contact keeping them in a box or attaching it to a balloon could help release some of that tension for them.
   
5. Find someone non-judgmental to talk to about the hard stuff of this day for you. The “bittersweet” can definitely feel more bitter some days.  You need someone who “gets” adoption and foster care because they won’t make you feel bad for all the very normal feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and exhaustion of parenting children from hard places and at the same time maintaining your sanity (or trying to). I hope you have a person like that in your life but if you don’t consider reaching out to Post-Adoption services in your area. In Wisconsin you can find support groups and resources here: https://wisapsp.org/support/.
   

 
Wholehearted Herd Counseling is also here for you and your family. I get this on a personal and professional level and I am here. You may ask how can working with a horse in therapy help me with parenting my child? The Natural Lifemanship model of therapy we utilize helps you to work on your own attachment and ways of being with the horse in real time. This is also helpful for your children to learn relationship skills and feel what works and doesn’t in their own bodies. The focus on neurobiology and integrating your brain also will expand your ability to hold the bittersweet emotions and not be triggered. Don’t hesitate to send me email for more information or to try it out for yourself. [email protected]
 
Wholehearted Herd Counseling, LLC provides trauma therapy for children and teens and family therapy focused on attachment for adoptive and foster families with the help of horses. Wholehearted Herd Counseling, LLC is an equine-assisted therapy service in the central Wisconsin, Wausau, and Antigo areas. 

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